Enjoy Solitude !

“We must become so alone, so utterly alone, that we withdraw into our innermost self. It is a way of bitter suffering. But then our solitude is overcome, we are no longer alone, for we find that our innermost self is the spirit, that it is God, the indivisible. And suddenly we find ourselves in the midst of the world, yet undisturbed by its multiplicity, for our innermost soul we know ourselves to be one with all being.” (Hermann Hesse)

“Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast, or a god.” (Francis Bacon)

“The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.” (Aldous Huxley)

“I have never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” (Henry David Thoreau)

“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.”  (Albert Camus)

“Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life.”  ( Ralph Waldo Emerson)

How to Be Happy Alone!

My experience with this challenge started several years ago. I work as a software consultant, Most of the time hundreds of kilometers away from my family, major cities, known people. Sometimes I had to reside in a luxurious home all alone in a lonely country that doesn’t least relate to my culture or character, the worst part is with restricted communication with your loved ones.

I was not a person who is used to isolation in my past life before I started to experience deserted loneliness. I was considered to be the most active, talkative and entertaining person among my friends, for me to enter in to an isolated atmosphere was a cruel punishment.

At first, I found the solitude unbearable. I can definitely say this wasn’t a fun experience, but it did teach me a valuable lesson about how to enjoy my time alone.

Knowingly and un-knowingly I started to work on my internal life, I was able to not only bear the solitude, but actually enjoy it. Even now that I have many friends and relatives who I keep in touch constantly, I still benefit from the lessons I learned enjoying solitude. It gave me an inner calm and independence that means that, although I place value in relationships and work to improve them, I don’t feel desperate to stay in any friendship or relationship that doesn’t fulfill me.

If you’re caught in the same situation I was, I feel there are two steps you can take to turn it around:

1.      Learn to draw contentment from your time alone.

2.      Look at the world around you without having a narrow minded “Family” border for your thought.

Each approach on its own is insufficient. If you only work on drawing contentment from your time alone, that approach can be unsatisfying if you still feel isolation is forced upon you. But if you start to look at your surroundings (not your loved ones – wife, kids, parents, brother, sister), look around you in a border perspective, you will start to find and realize where you are in this universe (Socially, Financially, Physically, Mentally, Habitually) now you can enjoy the present while increasing your options for the future.

1.Loneliness is a physiological mirage created by you!

In my opinion, a great deal of the pain caused by loneliness is due to a lack of control.

Solitude is easy to enjoy when it isn’t forced. I think most people enjoy a few hours or even a few days to themselves if their regular lives are full of activity and are irritated by their family surroundings. In fact, many people confuse family relationships will worsen if you start to enjoy solitude in but really it works vice versa, which shows that solitude isn’t universally bad.

But when you lack control over your situation, solitude becomes loneliness. If you feel your isolation wasn’t chosen, and you can’t control it, that feel can be unbearable.

 The key, in my opinion, to regaining enjoyment in solitude and reducing loneliness, is to regain some control over the physiological loneliness created by your mind !

Part of that control can come from simply improving your social life directly. If you practice your social skills directly, that can boost your feeling of control and make the world seem less isolating, even if you’re still finding it difficult.

However, for some people this process will be slow or difficult. It may be hard for you to make new friends or view your surroundings with a wider angle, either because you are emotionally depressed with the feeling of loneliness, or because you are stuck in a lousy situation, such as working at an isolating, irritating  job or drinking to ease the effect of loneliness.  

2. Sculpting your inner world.

The remarkable enlighten for me in learning to enjoy solitude was in improving my inner world first. I may have had difficulties controlling my solitude from the outside, but I could control my inner world so that it would be more pleasant to live in.

For an example, imagine tummy fat is constantly growing month after the other. You have two options: you can look yourself at the mirror and feel bad for how un-healthy you look or you can start up with an exercise and diet plan to reduce the present tummy fat and to avoid future tummy fat build up which will be more comfortable to live with.

The first approach is directly working on your external environment; the latter is perfecting your inner world.

I’m sure you’ve seen wandering poor people in the streets who can live without people, shelter or food for days. People who seem at peace and self-content, despite total isolation and harsh conditions. While stories of these people may be somewhat exaggerated, I think they are a wonderful example of the benefits of building a strong inner world.

When the scaffolding of your inner life is strong, you can be comfortable in almost any environment.

Just as there are many ways to build a house, there are many ways to build the foundation of your inner life. However, I’m going to suggest three, as these have been the most successful for me in my own life:

1.      Control over your inner life

2.      Enthusiasm  the Creative drive

3.      Control the meaning in your life

4.      Draft a pathway for your dreams

1.Control over your inner life

One way you can gain more control over your inner life is to bring more options to it. I’ve found building a routine centered on activities I care about is one of the best ways to turn otherwise painful isolation into enjoyable solitude.

I usually do this by installing new habits. For me, activities I care about are exercising, working on personal projects, Biblical research, reading, learning new skills, thinking about the poor & orphans and dreaming. You can build a habit out of any of these activities by committing to do the habit every day for at least one month. Those habits will then run more or less automatically.

The side-effect of choosing this route to enjoying solitude is that it usually improves other areas of your life as well. When I did this, I found my productivity increased, my physical fitness went up dramatically and I read hundreds of books in just a few years.

Even now, when I have a longer period without as much human contact, I am far happier with an ordered personal life. That order allows you to stay active and engaged, even when your brain would rather shut down from the lack of family stimulus. The order also provides a sense of peace that comes from knowing you are in control of your world.

2. Enthusiasm the Create drive

Another way to improve your inner life is to build a fire of enthusiasm for something. If you have a passion or sense of meaning for your daily routine, any temporary isolation is far easier to enjoy. I’ve found the best way to create a drive is to set goals and plans of action to accomplish them. The goals need to be tied to something you have an interest in, but the act of creating the plan can often start a cycle of motivation.

If you already have goals, focusing on your goals can enable you to enjoy solitude more. I always found, even in my most isolated moments, that when I recaptured the idea of what I really wanted out of life, I felt much better. Goals can’t replace having a social life, but they can allow you to push through a temporary patch of isolation.

This route can sometimes be difficult if you aren’t sure where to start, so if you aren’t sure what might interest you enough to work passionately on it, try starting with one of the other paths.

3. Control the meaning in your life

You might not be able to control every part of your life, but you can control the meaning in your life. If you can create a purpose for your current isolation, that doubles your strength in moving through any obstacle. For me, I decided the meaning of my current isolation was to allow me more time to build personal skills and physical skills while I worked on my social life from the outside.

Sometimes people will talk about the difference between good pain and bad pain at a gym. It’s actually a silly idea: how can any pain be good, all of it hurts? The difference is that there is a meaning for the good pain, a purpose it serves as a process in making you stronger. The bad pain, alternatively, just hurts for no purpose.

The same analogy applies to solitude: there is good solitude and bad solitude. The good solitude has a constructive purpose. It may still hurt occasionally, but if you know what it’s for and why it benefits you, the solitude can be enjoyable (just as some people love the pain they get from the gym). Your goal is to turn bad solitude into good solitude by defining the meaning it has for you.

If you think there is no possible reason for your being alone, think harder. You can probably come up with many opportunities it can allow, if you try. The solitude might help you focus on another important goal you have, give you a chance to increase your independence or even just give you a better appreciation of the relationships you do have.

4. Draft a pathway for your dreams

 There are remarkable dreams that I have it with me, many dreams ranging from being the richest man in this world to Christ like man in this world. Also there are silly ideas that live only in my dream. Most of the time when I am in deep solitude and peace I work on my dreams. I love that to the core, it brings an immense peace, happiness, fulfillment, enlighten thought and a remarkable imaginary world where I am the creator for my future. It really helps me sculpt by future that I try to follow up in reality.  Many people think dreaming is a waste of time or they don’t see it useful because it doesn’t give any monetary benefit on hand, but the benefit you attain from them in a long run is evident and profound.   

So live and love to dream at times, but never live in dream alone that’s not the reality.

Are You a God or Wild Beast?

My guess is neither, but you can still enjoy solitude if you set out the right intention. Solitude may take some time and practice to master, but it can allow you to achieve an incredible sense of inner peace and calmness.

It’s an art which is unique from person to person but it can bring an remarkable transformation to your thought, mental strength and physical strength.

Thanks & Regards,

S.Grace Paul Regan